8.

I'm not happy. And I'll tell you why that is. My entire life, my mother has consistently told me that I'm not going to succeed at anything I do. Every job I get, I'm going to get fired. Every play I audition for, I'm not going to get it. Every little thing she has to make me feel terrible about myself. Then people wonder why I have such low self esteem. I also get "why can't you just ignore it?" I unfortunately got the sensitive gene from my father, therefore EVERYTHING gets to me. You'd think after 21 years of having my mother tell me I'm going to fail and then succeeding and rubbing it in her face, I'd be over it by now. But I'm not.
This is my last year of college. I get that. I get that when I graduate, I have to find a job and pay all my own stuff. Why I don't get, is why my mother seems to think I'm going to give up theatre to sit in an office for the rest of my life. I am VERY appreciative of the office job I currently hold. But I know for a fact, this is not a career path I want to pursue forever. It just isn't. I'm not happy unless I'm performing and it has already been FAR too long. Do I know its going to be hard? Yes. Am I aware that my diet will probably consist of peanut butter and ramen noodles? Yes, I'm aware of that too. Am I willing to endure hardship for the rest of my life so I can pursue what I love? Abso-friggin-lutely.
I don't know why I've found myself in a theatre dry spell. I haven't been in an actual show with a script in nearly two years. I'm hoping that will change after auditions next week, but who's to say. I just want to do a show so I can PROVE to my mother that I'm talented enough for this. I know I am. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not the most confident person in the world, except for when I'm on stage. I have utmost confidence in myself when I'm on-stage. And it is SO frustrating for me to have my mother continually rub in the fact that I've had a two year dry spell. I get it. I don't know why that is.
I'm just fed up with people telling me I can't, and I know its going to happen for the rest of my life, but those people won't be my mother. They'll just be people. People that if I don't want to, I don't have to see them ever again. My mother on the other hand, is a part of my life forever. And as much as I try, I can't just shut her out, and she doesn't listen to my point of view about these things. I know I can do this. I have to know because if I don't know, who else is going to believe in me?

This is just making my heart hurt. I'm going to stop typing now.