8.

I'm not happy. And I'll tell you why that is. My entire life, my mother has consistently told me that I'm not going to succeed at anything I do. Every job I get, I'm going to get fired. Every play I audition for, I'm not going to get it. Every little thing she has to make me feel terrible about myself. Then people wonder why I have such low self esteem. I also get "why can't you just ignore it?" I unfortunately got the sensitive gene from my father, therefore EVERYTHING gets to me. You'd think after 21 years of having my mother tell me I'm going to fail and then succeeding and rubbing it in her face, I'd be over it by now. But I'm not.
This is my last year of college. I get that. I get that when I graduate, I have to find a job and pay all my own stuff. Why I don't get, is why my mother seems to think I'm going to give up theatre to sit in an office for the rest of my life. I am VERY appreciative of the office job I currently hold. But I know for a fact, this is not a career path I want to pursue forever. It just isn't. I'm not happy unless I'm performing and it has already been FAR too long. Do I know its going to be hard? Yes. Am I aware that my diet will probably consist of peanut butter and ramen noodles? Yes, I'm aware of that too. Am I willing to endure hardship for the rest of my life so I can pursue what I love? Abso-friggin-lutely.
I don't know why I've found myself in a theatre dry spell. I haven't been in an actual show with a script in nearly two years. I'm hoping that will change after auditions next week, but who's to say. I just want to do a show so I can PROVE to my mother that I'm talented enough for this. I know I am. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not the most confident person in the world, except for when I'm on stage. I have utmost confidence in myself when I'm on-stage. And it is SO frustrating for me to have my mother continually rub in the fact that I've had a two year dry spell. I get it. I don't know why that is.
I'm just fed up with people telling me I can't, and I know its going to happen for the rest of my life, but those people won't be my mother. They'll just be people. People that if I don't want to, I don't have to see them ever again. My mother on the other hand, is a part of my life forever. And as much as I try, I can't just shut her out, and she doesn't listen to my point of view about these things. I know I can do this. I have to know because if I don't know, who else is going to believe in me?

This is just making my heart hurt. I'm going to stop typing now.

7.

Its been a while since I posted here. I tried to start a blog on changing my life for the better, but like this blog, I failed to update, and therefore it fell through. The cloud that has been over my head for about 5 months now finally lifted last week. I'm becoming more active, I'm learning how to love but not make it my entire life, I'm learning how to be a better friend, but I'm also beginning to understand what it is to be an independent 21 year old woman. And that, I think, is what I lost. However, that's not really the point of this blog. My senior year of college is approaching and I am scared out of my mind. Not because its my last year, but because for the first time in my life I don't have a clue what I want to do with my life. Of course I'm going to get my first apartment on my own, and it looks like right now I'm going to be living by myself if I can't find a roommate over the course of this year. And I'm going to have to have a job obviously so I can financially support myself. Here is the problem though. My degree is in theatre. I love performing. Performing is a natural high for me. When I'm on a stage, there is nothing in this world that can touch me, and that is honestly the ONLY time in my life I can say that. I got into theatre because I thought it was fun. I stayed with theatre because the high I get and the confidence I have when I'm performing I can't find anywhere else in my life. Plus I love it. That being said, I don't see myself going to New York trying to be on Broadway right away. That's the scary part. When I got into this, I assumed after graduation I would move to New York and start auditioning and that would be that, but as I've gone through the last three years of school, I don't know that that's the path I see my life going down anymore. First of all, Chicago is my home. Chicago is more home to me now than my hometown. And second, people keep asking me if I'm staying because I know people here and I would be scared to move. The answer to that is also no, because I will know people in New York, and all 3 of my best friends are moving to other parts of the country as of now after graduation, so I won't have that security blanket anymore. I just don't see my life going in that direction yet. Do I think I'll move there someday? Absolutely. But right now, I want to stay in Chicago and start my life here. It doesn't hurt that I'd like to get myself to a professional and financial level where I can feel like I could survive on my own in New York.
That being said, I've had a lot of talks with all three of my best friends about how I feel uncomfortable not knowing what the next step is for me. Maybe I'll discover it this school year, who knows. They have all told me in their own ways that its okay not to know right now what the next step is. Unfortunately for me, miss plan everything down to the last detail, its not so easy for me to just swallow the fact that I don't have a game plan. Theatre is a career path where you can't really "plan" per se. You just kinda have to do your best and hope thats good enough.
A woman I work with, who I feel was sent by God into my life to help me find a more positive version of myself, and I have been talking about "bucket lists." I'm sure all of you know what a bucket list is, (all what...three of you that read my blog?) but in case you don't, it's a list of all the things you want to accomplish before you die...(i.e. kick the bucket. How witty.) I started writing one today. I thought I would come up with maybe 10 things I wanted to do with my life. Oh ho! Not so! Forty-seven things later, and I'm more stuck with what I want to do with my life than I was before...but this time its not because there's nothing to do...it's because there's so many things I want to do. So I decided I'd post this list online, so in case I lose it, at least its always here as a guide. So here it is, so far. Please note that these aren't in any particular order...I just wrote them as they came to me..so I guess in a way they are kind of in order.

1. Visit Italy.
2. Perform in either a national tour or a Broadway show
3. Reach my goal weight
4. Get married (someday. not any time soon)
5. Have at least one child. (again..someday)
6. Be a teacher of some kind.
7. Believe that my body is beautiful. Find a mantra that helps me to believe that, everyday.
8. Learn to speak another language.
9. Run a half marathon and finish.
10. Inspire someone's life.
11. Stay up all night and watch the sunrise.
12. Own a puppy.
13. Plan a big party/event
14. Do some kind of volunteer work.
15. Find my religion.
16. Ride in a limo.
17. Visit the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
18. Get over my food hang-ups. (My boyfriend doesn't believe I'm a picky eater, but its just because he's inspired me to start eating things I was afraid of eating before.)
19. Become a decent hip hop dancer.
20. Write and record a song.
21. Go to New York for the first time.
22. Improve my photography skills.
23. Regularly practice pilates.
24. Become as good a cook as my Mom.
25. Watch all the movies on my "to watch" list.
26. Let go of my negativity towards myself.
27. Win an award for something I've accomplished.
28. Go back to school to get my masters and pay for it myself.
29. Be completely financially independent.
30. Work at a job I love.
31. Meet Jennifer Hudson.
32. Write in a journal every day for a year.(or blog regularly. one or the other)
33. Go back to gymnastics to get over my fear of falling.
34. Take an elaborate vacation.
35. Learn how to bartend
36. Fall in love without fear.
37. Own a house.
38. Pick up the piano again.
39. Go to New York at Christmastime
40. Do some kind of interior design.
41. Be in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
42. Stop being so passive and say how I really feel.
43. Chop off all my hair.
44. Get a small tattoo of something meaningful. (If I can get up the guts to actually go through with it)
45. Public speak to young women about body issues.
46. Be the maid of honor in a friend's wedding.
47. Throw a surprise party for a friend.

I guess I'll end this blog here. I actually feel a lot better since I typed all this out...as per the usual.

Til next time (which will hopefully be sooner than 6 months)
-Bri